The End

This situation (re: pandemic) makes me realize abut that quote
Life isn't fair, and whether I'm ready or not I have to adjust myself
Even for the last 19months, I doubt my faith in God
I keep questioning Him for detailed reasons about everything that happened

I wonder why my prayers haven't been answered even till the day I get up and write this thing
I wonder why people never appreciate and notice me no matter how hard I try to compare to 'that people'
I wonder why wise quotes keep saying about miracles and good news every morning when I see nothing changed except the way I see my life..
Yeah the way I see life..different

I used to believe in dreams and goals, but my dreams and goals got cut off by the reality
I used to believe that someday I'll be loved and I'll find love, but I got rejected and humiliated many times
I used to believe I deserve chances, but I got none - I got kicked out because they only took me for granted

People shared their pain with a long story to me, but have they ever listened to mine? they're just curious, then left
People shared false hope to make me believe that I'm valuable but badmouthing me behind my back
People said they're friends but they're nowhere when I need them the most
People said they're family, but they cut off my dreams and goals, take me for granted

I feel like I'm dead
I feel like I'm no longer human
I live the day just to wait until the exact day I leave this world
I wander in this world with no purpose, no more dreams, and no hope

People said that my weak faith to God is the reason behind all these thoughts
People said God will bring miracles, and my question is When would it come? I'm not getting younger
People said to live life, it's okay not to get noticed, but you need it for the sake of your career, study, and business investment to feed your stomach, to achieve your dreams
People said to live my dreams and work hard on them, but when my dream became true they cut it off like all my hard work were nothing
People thought I was just laying on my bed while working on my dreams, and kept saying there's no hope by having that dreams I used to have

The Day I died was 19 months ago
I live, but I'm dead inside
I laugh, but I have no feeling
I walk, eat and write this, but at the same time wishing to die

People wonder if I was waiting for 'that people' apologize, the answer is no
even if they're sorry, they can't bring back the once in lifetime chance I ever had, because I'm not young anymore and I can't work on those dreams at this age, I can only cry for whole months, years, decades imagine how would my life be when 'that people' didn't cut it off

I thought I'll find love, explore happiness with someone I love the most
I thought I'll finally find my guy, but I was wrong
Romance ain't stuff, neither does anything in this world
Nothing works perfectly in my world unlike other people's life
Having a good life to rub it on other people's faces through every social media that they have
Telling the world then get noticed, being worshiped by others, while I'm in the corner wondering when will exactly I die

I just don't get it, during this pandemic people get married due to the low cost, 
Why couldn't they do the low cost before the pandemic?
I just don't understand why couples show off their lovey-dovey on every social media?
to gain money for their marriage? Then why do they bother to get married if they have no money?
To impress other people?
Then what's the essence of getting married anyway?

The most annoying thing I find for the last 19 months, 
I just don't get it why do my people (Indonesian girls) worshipping other girls who get married to foreigners especially the white ones?

No, I'm not racist!!!!!!!!
I saw a lot of content about it for the last 19 months which make me trauma to open social media
I even ask for a Professional to help me out
but, just like I mentioned earlier, it didn't help
I wasted my money on nothing

I just don't get it, does love really make you blind?

I mean is that okay to use your Foreigner husband as your content

Like 'the benefit of marrying European you no need to hassle, you can go shopping and do a catwalk near Eifel Tower with all your girlfriends, the country pays for your life, it's ok to not legally married as long as your son get your husband's last name you have right for his money later, there are lot of ways and good scriptures to make your husband-soon-to-be to convert his belief' and so many more

There's a moment about jokes being viral like they're about to make a joke about struggling to learn their husband's mother language by saying
'my husband's country isn't an English speaker, so I have to learn this language, luckily he paid for everything for me. It's hard, but who cares it's free even though I fail that's not my money after all..whoops Husband joke'

then I came up and said, 'well then you should ask your husband to divorce you because you waste his money for nothing, I feel like I'll be a better wife for him than you, whoops Husband joke'

And she replied by badmouthing me.. I just played along with her joke, but why did she mad?

I just don't understand why people that receive something for free don't use the opportunity wisely,
I mean whole contents she posted on that social media about how proud she's now in Europe not Indonesia, but for me, she seems like yeah whatever

The other time, I saw a post still about Indonesian girls who married Foreigners but she talked bad about Indonesian girls and guys

The first girl said that no Indonesian Guys will ever marry her because of her b00bies then she touches them by saying 'yeah no Indonesian guys will ever marry me with this size. But look now I'm married to a European, no need to worry since the country pays well. See? with the ugly face and the size no Indonesian guys will ever dare to propose'

I was thinking, 'will I be like her (judging all guys)? But I don't have any Indonesian or foreign guys in my mind except for idols that I adore, and it's impossible I'll marry one of my idols. I am even not sure that I'll be loved like every romance she posted on her social media the way her foreign husband as her contents'

On the other hand, I don't wanna be like her (judging all guys)

The other girl I saw, talked bad about Indonesian girls by sharing tips on how to get a foreign husband that you should dye your hair like a foreigner first, then be nice, consistent till they melt, and many more. The point is she said many Indonesian girls who hope to have Foreigner as their husband just move to the most city full of foreigners, or go to the bar get some drinks then mingle or maybe through an online dating app, but they won't get the same husband like she has despite her looks. 

(this sounds better in Bahasa Indonesia 'kalo mau dapat suami bule ya pergi ke kota yg banyak bule di Indonesia, atau ke bar trus deketin sampe doi luluh, atau pake dating app, tp lu ga bakalan dapat kayak suami Bule gue ya meski yg lu liat muka gue tuh kayak pembokat. Perlu hoki juga sih, jangan lupa cat rambut tuh kudu banget biar dapat Bule)

I can't deny I download the dating app, not to get a boyfriend or husband but to practice my English and learn other languages to help me sane during this pandemic.
I should admit I haven't found my click yet, but I gain bits of knowledge even I get a good score on my other foreign languages class and when the class is over I back to the dead me

They're more of it, but by thinking of it I feel like gonna throw up
Thankfully I don't eat anything while writing this
I write this to let my mind calms, it's painful
I tried everything and haven't found the right solution

There's a situation when an Indonesian girl married a foreign guy during this pandemic 
and they didn't follow the health protocols
Even though they have been tested, and negative, have been vaccinated but still
following health protocols by avoiding crowd, wearing a mask, and stay distant at least 1 meter may help to reduce the spread

I don't get it, many Indonesians glorified that Foreigners especially the white ones are smart, modern and so much more than us Indonesians, but turns out they're not
A lot of foreigners-the white ones here don't follow the health protocols including the previous one I mentioned

Sometimes I think that love really makes everyone blinds
Is it love?
or is it power?
or maybe lust?
I don't know what they had on their mind at that time
I just feel it's unfair
yeah God is unfair

People out there suffering
People out there lose their parents
People out there work hard by following the protocols but still get sick then DIE!
People out there stay at home and avoid the crowd but get infected, some of them DIE some SUFFERING FOR MONTHS!!

People out there trying to get food from many charities, hoping to feed their empty stomach
People out there get kicked out of their houses because they get infected
People out there lose their kids because get infected
People out there get fired because the company is at the stake
People's businesses out there are also at the stake, just so they can feed their family

I'm dead inside, but receiving a lot of bad news every single day I still cry
I find myself useless, I can only staring at my phone screen, following the protocols unlike any rich out there share million of rupiahs to help others..
I can only give too little then stay in my bedroom crying secretly and keep saying God is unfair!!
At least reality shows me that I'm useless
I have no materials, no supporters, and no dreams
I'm just an old, giant crybaby who is dead 19 months ago inside